My own kind of adulting.
By definition, we are convinced that ‘how we handle things in life’ is unique, that each of us has his or her own special way of handling what life throws at us, and in many ways it is likely true – when it comes to the execution of how we do something. Everyone has a different way of making their bed, of doing their evening ritual, of cooking, and so on. However, at the core of our motivations, I suspect we often use the same kinds of reasoning. More often than we expect. After all, we’re all individuals (note the sarcasm).
Over the past years, I spent a lot of energy on finding the underlying issues of how I got myself into a burn-out/depression, and how the hell to avoid it happening again in the future. In my case, it had everything to do with drawing the line (or complete lack thereof). We are raised in a certain way and we grow up, exposed to ideas and beliefs that don’t necessarily coincide with what we, as individuals, really need. Adding to that my empath and people-pleaser tendencies and you’ve got a recipe for burn-out right there. For years, I tried to function at a pace that wasn’t mine, bending into shapes and roles that didn’t fit me, and all the while wondering I felt so out of place (I still do, mind, just less so).
There is a lot of ‘wanting’ going on, based on media and advertising. “I want that brand of car, because it expresses I’m like such and such.” – “I want to go skiing, because it’s what people who enjoy life do!” – “I want three hobbies and a social life, because it makes for a normal human being.” – “I need more friends, because it expresses how likeable and successful I am.”
Everyone’s so busy adhering to the external social rule set and no one seems to wonder whether or not what they’re doing is also what they need. All the ‘wanting’ and none of the ‘thinking’ to discover the ‘needing’. I’m channeling Brad Goodman from the Simpsons here. (When you stop being a human being, you become a human doing! And what comes next, people? A human going!)
Back to the point. On the road to uncover our true needs, we encounter our pitfalls. That which we do to avoid confrontation, disappointment (in ourselves and from others), anger. That which we do to please others and believing it will also make us happy. (To an extent, it is possible. There is a lot of merit to altruism.) We do so to hopefully receive praise, confirmation, support and admiration. To varying degrees: each of us experiences all of that in a different way, but the motivators are probably more similar than we realize. A lot of these are very human motivators. Nobody likes rejection, so we’ll always strive to do something that keeps the balance between what we want and what (we think) others want. It’s called compromise and it’s necessary.
Just not to the point of self-denial, loss and further down the line burn-out and/or depression. And herein lies the ‘secret’ (it’s no secret, damnit, it’s a journey, and a long, slow one at that).
I’ve been ill for the past three weeks, due to a bacterial infection being wrongly diagnosed as viral (by another doctor than my GP, because holidays), and consequently I’m only now slowly getting out of a month of bad sleep, persisting fatigue, coughing fits galore, and too much phlegm. Since I didn’t run a temperature for more than two days, I continued working – feeling not entirely miserable but not feeling okay at all either. Finally getting there now, barring some puffy eyes and dry skin now that I’m taking the antibiotics and still tired. My godchild of 17 was supposed to come over tomorrow eve for a sleepover.
Her mother texted me a few days back, saying that the kid had fallen ill. Today, I finally had the balls to pick up the phone and discuss how ill she was, and say that I did not feel comfortable having her over. Self-care! I felt guilty and scared that they’d get angry at me for doing this, even though I’ve known these people for years and they are some of the most flexible, understanding people I know. When I explained the feelings I had prior to contacting godchild’s mom, he asked: “So you’re feeling guilty, because you want to take care of yourself and you’re scared they’ll get mad?”
Yes, sir, I do. I do exactly that, despite knowing full well both the pitfall and the line I need to draw, it is still an effort to make myself do the Self-Care. It is not an easy task to draw lines, because it means having to say “no” and on average, people aren’t fond of NO (unless you’re rich and can throw money at a problem to make it go ewee). NO implies you have your own space and protect it.
In an unguarded moment (read: leaning head on hand and staring at nothing), a sense of tremendous relief came over me, realizing that I had in fact done what I needed, rather than what I think others wanted. It is a proud moment of adulting, which doesn’t just consist of paying bills, cooking healthily and running your laundry in time. It has everything to do with Self-Care, and I’m glad that my kind of adulting is slowly but steadily taking shape, and I can feel myself reaping the benefits. The relief, the personal space, the shaping of my own life.
So, I implore you to try as well. Try and find the answers. Try and find your space.
Loads of Love,
Mal
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